Well..

Well the reason I even started on all of this rambling was to vent and I havent even gotten to the issue that has me wanting to vent.

While I could write page up and page down over all the shit I went through on the site I mentioned before, I dont really feel up to picking at those scabs.

As said I left that site, but I left it with a handful of friends, a few that came to be my best friends. As best as they can be without having met mind you. Not that that really matters in my opinion, though I would really like to meet them in real life.

Anyways the issue at hand is with the one best friend.

We just had a huge argument, bigger than any we had before, and one lasting longer than any have before and I am so scared this is the end of it.

One would never think he and I could be friends, on so many points we are so different. Age being the biggest I guess, though it hasnt been an issue with either of us. But while we are so different, we also have a lot in common. Contradictory I know, but its true.

We have known each other for like 3-4 years now and oddly enough neither of us can remember just when we met. Kinda like we just did and never gave it another thought. We talk every single day, or as much as we can given the obstacles that sometimes come in the way, like traveling or computer not working.

Lately however he has been pulling back, hardly talking. And when he does its about sports, something he knows I hate. I let him though, as anything is better than nothing I guess and also with the hope that it branches out and we can talk about something else.

I asked him several times why he isnt talking lately, wondering if its because of his recent breakup with his girlfriend or because he is getting to know his new one, but says no. Says there is nothing wrong. But yet he still doesnt talk much anymore and I miss it terribly.

Anyways, as said we had a fight and I am wondering if this is the end of our friendship. We have always fought, not a lot, but enough. We have however always managed to patch things up and usually it made our friendship stronger, but this time its different. We are both being silent, neither of us is approaching the other.

Why dont I IM him and fix it? I dont know. Part of it is because I am so hurt and mad at what he said and the other part is stubbornness. And even knowing that this stubbornness could be what kills the friendship, it isnt enough for me to take the first step.

I am totally torn to pieces over this fight. I think about it all the time, am totally depressed, cry a lot and just sit there hoping he will take the first step. And he isnt. I dont know if he is too pissed to talk to me, or if he sees this as the "out" he has been looking for, and that freaks me out even more. Or if he is just being as stubborn as I am.

Its probably the latter, but my inherent paranoia about being dumped as a friend makes me fear the worst, which also results in me not wanting to be the first one to IM. I guess I dont want to risk reaching out, only to get slammed more. I dont think I could handle that right now.

I dont know what to do, or how to feel. One minute I am pissed as hell, the next crying. One minute I am about to IM him and the next I dont want to talk to him and its ripping me apart, I cant take it anymore. And chastising myself for being this silly doesnt help much either I might add.

I just dont know..