Well the reason I even started on all of this rambling was to vent and I havent even gotten to the issue that has me wanting to vent.
While I could write page up and page down over all the shit I went through on the site I mentioned before, I dont really feel up to picking at those scabs.
As said I left that site, but I left it with a handful of friends, a few that came to be my best friends. As best as they can be without having met mind you. Not that that really matters in my opinion, though I would really like to meet them in real life.
Anyways the issue at hand is with the one best friend.
We just had a huge argument, bigger than any we had before, and one lasting longer than any have before and I am so scared this is the end of it.
One would never think he and I could be friends, on so many points we are so different. Age being the biggest I guess, though it hasnt been an issue with either of us. But while we are so different, we also have a lot in common. Contradictory I know, but its true.
We have known each other for like 3-4 years now and oddly enough neither of us can remember just when we met. Kinda like we just did and never gave it another thought. We talk every single day, or as much as we can given the obstacles that sometimes come in the way, like traveling or computer not working.
Lately however he has been pulling back, hardly talking. And when he does its about sports, something he knows I hate. I let him though, as anything is better than nothing I guess and also with the hope that it branches out and we can talk about something else.
I asked him several times why he isnt talking lately, wondering if its because of his recent breakup with his girlfriend or because he is getting to know his new one, but says no. Says there is nothing wrong. But yet he still doesnt talk much anymore and I miss it terribly.
Anyways, as said we had a fight and I am wondering if this is the end of our friendship. We have always fought, not a lot, but enough. We have however always managed to patch things up and usually it made our friendship stronger, but this time its different. We are both being silent, neither of us is approaching the other.
Why dont I IM him and fix it? I dont know. Part of it is because I am so hurt and mad at what he said and the other part is stubbornness. And even knowing that this stubbornness could be what kills the friendship, it isnt enough for me to take the first step.
I am totally torn to pieces over this fight. I think about it all the time, am totally depressed, cry a lot and just sit there hoping he will take the first step. And he isnt. I dont know if he is too pissed to talk to me, or if he sees this as the "out" he has been looking for, and that freaks me out even more. Or if he is just being as stubborn as I am.
Its probably the latter, but my inherent paranoia about being dumped as a friend makes me fear the worst, which also results in me not wanting to be the first one to IM. I guess I dont want to risk reaching out, only to get slammed more. I dont think I could handle that right now.
I dont know what to do, or how to feel. One minute I am pissed as hell, the next crying. One minute I am about to IM him and the next I dont want to talk to him and its ripping me apart, I cant take it anymore. And chastising myself for being this silly doesnt help much either I might add.
I just dont know..
Saturday, November 3, 2007
My first online "hubby" and friend
As promised in the last entry I am making a separate entry for the guy I "married" on a RPG site.
Lol you know sitting here recalling those days, I realized that I dont remember what his user name was, or even his real life name. Must have blocked it from memory (or the senility is taking over). Hmm went and looked, was odd seeing all those old names again. Endymion Estel is what he changed it to. Edit: Phillip! That was his name.
As said I asked this guy to marry me on this site (rp marriage, not real). He had complimented a post I had made and I dived right in there seeing an opportunity to finally get married on this site.
It worked too, as he said yes :P
I dont know how many times I have regretted meeting him since, I think I lost count along the way :(
It all started out great, he was a real sweet guy, a real ladies friend and attentive, loving and caring and didnt go further than role playing a kiss on the cheek and huggles (I love huggles, mix between hug and cuddle). What more could I ask for? I didnt want to go further with it either, I wasnt interested in it becoming an online romance either, so I thought it was great that he kept that distance when it came to role playing us together.
We had tons of AIM group chats back then, hours of fun. And many times we would also role play in these chats.
He would tell me loads of stuff about himself, and i would believe every single word of it, even if at times there was a nagging voice at the back of me head that said otherwise. I was an internet noob and an extremely trusting person. So I bought it all, every last word.
He was rich, he lived alone, he worked for some huge firm. His dad was dead and cant remember if his mom was too. He had Estel as a middle name. He was chosen to vote when it was Oscar time (for a movie) He lived in a huge house and had over a 1000 books. He remodeled part of the house to make an elven themed library. He wrote tons of poems. Was exceptionally good at drawing. Showed one picture where he looked very handsome. Was so good at archery that he could compete. Had 3 cousins who he always hung out with, that were as close as siblings. He had back problems. Lavender was his chosen aroma when he was feeling sick. Was in an accident where he had to be revived 7 times. Tried to commit suicide.
All lies.
He completely shattered my heart and I will never ever forgive him for that. And I dont think I ever forgave myself for being that trusting again and consequently am very much less trusting now.
I had believed everything he said, wasnt suspicious about any of it, until the accident. It just didnt sit right with me that having been revived 7 times, he was able to get on the computer just a few hours later :/
But him being a good friend, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he was just exaggerating a bit, or the time was off, or something.
It wasnt until he one day Instant Messaged me saying he didnt want to live anymore and not to expect to see him onlne ever again, implying he was going to commit suicide, then logged off.
I spent the next 3 days not sleeping. Sitting by the computer hoping he would log in. I had no way of contacting him as he had not given me his address or phone number. When it happened I did believe him and I was so distraught that I couldnt do anything to prevent it or help him. I cried my eyes out, didnt sleep, couldnt eat and spent all that time trying to find his address based on his name (though he said it wasnt listed, it was private)
I was about to phone the police in California and have them hunt him down (despite not having much money to make the call) when he logged into AIM.
I almost died of shock and of course pounced him. He then merely apologised for saying what he said and then went on to make a few posts on the forum and then logged out as if it hadnt been a big deal.
I was completely crushed. I had honestly believed that a good friend of mine was going to try and kill himself and had spent days in anguish not knowing if he was dead or dying or ok.
I could have killed him with my bare hands. No kidding. I was livid. Never before in my life have I been so angry with someone, ever. And I told him that, and I told him I did not ever want to speak to him again, because of what he had put me through.
He of course begged me not to, wrote several poems dedicated to me, apologised left and right, but I just couldnt.
And it was when I was this angry with him that I started to look into some of the things he had claimed. The drawings he claimed were his, I found on the net made by other artists, the archery competition he claimed to have attended never happened (my friend was an archery coach and knew all the competitions)
He was a pathological liar and I was the stupid blond that had fallen for all his lies, every single one of them and had been completely crushed.
How could he put me through 3 days of hell and just brush it off? How could he be so callous?
He is a sorry excuse for a human being and I regret having met him and regret being so trusting.
I sure did learn my lesson the hard way.
Lol you know sitting here recalling those days, I realized that I dont remember what his user name was, or even his real life name. Must have blocked it from memory (or the senility is taking over). Hmm went and looked, was odd seeing all those old names again. Endymion Estel is what he changed it to. Edit: Phillip! That was his name.
As said I asked this guy to marry me on this site (rp marriage, not real). He had complimented a post I had made and I dived right in there seeing an opportunity to finally get married on this site.
It worked too, as he said yes :P
I dont know how many times I have regretted meeting him since, I think I lost count along the way :(
It all started out great, he was a real sweet guy, a real ladies friend and attentive, loving and caring and didnt go further than role playing a kiss on the cheek and huggles (I love huggles, mix between hug and cuddle). What more could I ask for? I didnt want to go further with it either, I wasnt interested in it becoming an online romance either, so I thought it was great that he kept that distance when it came to role playing us together.
We had tons of AIM group chats back then, hours of fun. And many times we would also role play in these chats.
He would tell me loads of stuff about himself, and i would believe every single word of it, even if at times there was a nagging voice at the back of me head that said otherwise. I was an internet noob and an extremely trusting person. So I bought it all, every last word.
He was rich, he lived alone, he worked for some huge firm. His dad was dead and cant remember if his mom was too. He had Estel as a middle name. He was chosen to vote when it was Oscar time (for a movie) He lived in a huge house and had over a 1000 books. He remodeled part of the house to make an elven themed library. He wrote tons of poems. Was exceptionally good at drawing. Showed one picture where he looked very handsome. Was so good at archery that he could compete. Had 3 cousins who he always hung out with, that were as close as siblings. He had back problems. Lavender was his chosen aroma when he was feeling sick. Was in an accident where he had to be revived 7 times. Tried to commit suicide.
All lies.
He completely shattered my heart and I will never ever forgive him for that. And I dont think I ever forgave myself for being that trusting again and consequently am very much less trusting now.
I had believed everything he said, wasnt suspicious about any of it, until the accident. It just didnt sit right with me that having been revived 7 times, he was able to get on the computer just a few hours later :/
But him being a good friend, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he was just exaggerating a bit, or the time was off, or something.
It wasnt until he one day Instant Messaged me saying he didnt want to live anymore and not to expect to see him onlne ever again, implying he was going to commit suicide, then logged off.
I spent the next 3 days not sleeping. Sitting by the computer hoping he would log in. I had no way of contacting him as he had not given me his address or phone number. When it happened I did believe him and I was so distraught that I couldnt do anything to prevent it or help him. I cried my eyes out, didnt sleep, couldnt eat and spent all that time trying to find his address based on his name (though he said it wasnt listed, it was private)
I was about to phone the police in California and have them hunt him down (despite not having much money to make the call) when he logged into AIM.
I almost died of shock and of course pounced him. He then merely apologised for saying what he said and then went on to make a few posts on the forum and then logged out as if it hadnt been a big deal.
I was completely crushed. I had honestly believed that a good friend of mine was going to try and kill himself and had spent days in anguish not knowing if he was dead or dying or ok.
I could have killed him with my bare hands. No kidding. I was livid. Never before in my life have I been so angry with someone, ever. And I told him that, and I told him I did not ever want to speak to him again, because of what he had put me through.
He of course begged me not to, wrote several poems dedicated to me, apologised left and right, but I just couldnt.
And it was when I was this angry with him that I started to look into some of the things he had claimed. The drawings he claimed were his, I found on the net made by other artists, the archery competition he claimed to have attended never happened (my friend was an archery coach and knew all the competitions)
He was a pathological liar and I was the stupid blond that had fallen for all his lies, every single one of them and had been completely crushed.
How could he put me through 3 days of hell and just brush it off? How could he be so callous?
He is a sorry excuse for a human being and I regret having met him and regret being so trusting.
I sure did learn my lesson the hard way.
Still blurting..
Where was I? Oh ya, online confidence..
On this site, back when I started, the hype was adoptions. People adopted each other, and creating these weirdly mixed families where hobbits were mothers to minions, elves and ents. Complete chaos, but so much fun.
Me, being how I am as a person, of course couldnt say no or stand there and see someone not have a family. So I of course adopted everyone in sight :p I think in total, adding everyone over the years, even those that left or did not want to be adopted anymore, I adopted like 20-30 people. Though the most I had at one time was 12 children. Or was it 14... :p
With all these kids, I of course needed a father for them, so I was always on the lookout for a potential husband and after having asked 2 who turned me down I dared ask one more who surprisingly said yes. Thinking back, it all seems so silly, I mean I was after all almost 28 at the time. But it really was fun. Suddenly I had so many friends, many whom I also talked to on AIM (god I feel old now :p)
My hubby is a subject for it self, and will make a separate entry for him.
Anyways, we totally rocked the Parties section, with tons of party threads and of course tons of adoption threads. It did get way out of hand, and adoption threads were banned from the forum altogether. I do regret being a part of it ending that way, though I do not regret all the fun we had doing it.
Having been a member now for a few months and getting more used to posting I was dying to try out this role playing stuff that all the Kingdoms were filled with. But I still felt intimidated by the threads in my home Kingdom, so I made a thread in the Off Topic section and asked if anyone was interested in starting a newbie rpg, one where we could learn how to role play, how to make more descriptive posts, so peoples eyes didnt bleed when reading them :P
One girl jumped at the opportunity, being an avid role player herself and completely took charge of the thread and set us off on our quest.
It was great fun, though still in a forum that was packed with off topic threads. The turnover there was insane, I mean really insane. Your thread could get buried on page 5 in a matter of seconds. So we went to the Rulers of my kingdom and begged them to move the rpg to the kingdom, which they surprisingly did.
And that was the start of me and roleplaying really.
But I never got into that kingdom, and it wasnt until I moved kingdoms that I really got into roleplaying, something I do occasionally still enjoy doing, even though I left that site 1½-2 years ago.
On this site, back when I started, the hype was adoptions. People adopted each other, and creating these weirdly mixed families where hobbits were mothers to minions, elves and ents. Complete chaos, but so much fun.
Me, being how I am as a person, of course couldnt say no or stand there and see someone not have a family. So I of course adopted everyone in sight :p I think in total, adding everyone over the years, even those that left or did not want to be adopted anymore, I adopted like 20-30 people. Though the most I had at one time was 12 children. Or was it 14... :p
With all these kids, I of course needed a father for them, so I was always on the lookout for a potential husband and after having asked 2 who turned me down I dared ask one more who surprisingly said yes. Thinking back, it all seems so silly, I mean I was after all almost 28 at the time. But it really was fun. Suddenly I had so many friends, many whom I also talked to on AIM (god I feel old now :p)
My hubby is a subject for it self, and will make a separate entry for him.
Anyways, we totally rocked the Parties section, with tons of party threads and of course tons of adoption threads. It did get way out of hand, and adoption threads were banned from the forum altogether. I do regret being a part of it ending that way, though I do not regret all the fun we had doing it.
Having been a member now for a few months and getting more used to posting I was dying to try out this role playing stuff that all the Kingdoms were filled with. But I still felt intimidated by the threads in my home Kingdom, so I made a thread in the Off Topic section and asked if anyone was interested in starting a newbie rpg, one where we could learn how to role play, how to make more descriptive posts, so peoples eyes didnt bleed when reading them :P
One girl jumped at the opportunity, being an avid role player herself and completely took charge of the thread and set us off on our quest.
It was great fun, though still in a forum that was packed with off topic threads. The turnover there was insane, I mean really insane. Your thread could get buried on page 5 in a matter of seconds. So we went to the Rulers of my kingdom and begged them to move the rpg to the kingdom, which they surprisingly did.
And that was the start of me and roleplaying really.
But I never got into that kingdom, and it wasnt until I moved kingdoms that I really got into roleplaying, something I do occasionally still enjoy doing, even though I left that site 1½-2 years ago.
Blurting it all out..
Friendship is not something I have had a lot of experience with. While I had some friends growing up, it was never a lot and the older I got, the fewer and further between I had. I am very much a loner, extremely antisocial and would rather prefer staying at home than going out. That in itself of course doesnt help on the friends department.
About 5 years ago I truly discovered the internet. I mean I had been on it before, had even tried a few online dating chatrooms and god I was such a noob there. Didnt know what smilies were :p Out of the few that actually responded to my profiles there, I only met one. And though I was real specific that I wanted to take things slow, as in no sex on the first date, that was exactly what he was after.
So after that I havent really bothered. Kinda figure thats what all want when they go there, I guess.
Anyways, 5 years ago I was very much in love with the movie Lord of the Rings. I mean really in love. I think I saw that movie like 20 times, in the theaters and countless times more on video when it came out.
Bored one night I went on google and did the LOTR search, something I doubt I will ever regret, even if it led to a lot of bad times.
Doing that search led me to the LOTR RPG site: Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza.
Hey I was a fanatic, right? Or at least I considered myself one, seeing as I couldnt get enough of the movie. On one of the old front pages there was a quiz. Where you had to answer like 100 of Bilbo Baggins' questions. I have no idea how I scored, but I was hooked from then on.
Its a roleplaying site, where you write a RPG together with others, in Kingdoms. It also has Lore, book discussions and Movie discussions. At the time of my registration over 12 thousand had already registered and now its like 80+. The forum was unique in a way that every post (in some sections) gave points and these points added up to ranks. Back then there were only 8 ranks and I think they have 15 now. When I joined the site had been going for about 10 months and those already there had already formed several cliques, many which still exist.
Noob that I was, having NEVER been on an online forum, I fill in the username with my real life name. Ya, such a ditz. It cost me 10 whole points to change my name. Something I found horrible, as how would I ever get those back?? But I couldnt use my real name, it looked stupid. So I changed it, despite how much it hurt to part with said points, to a user name I have used almost everywhere else since (no not SilverTears, thats just an homage to the song Into the West). I wont type it as I dont want people doing a search on it and finding this.
However it took 2 weeks for me to change it and during that time I mainly frequented the movies section (duh) only posting rarely. Most of my points then was gotten from taking more quizzes that also gave points.
I remember the first time I had to make my own thread, one to introduce myself in, I almost had a heart attack. Thats how intimidating I found it. (I did say I was an internet noob)
I slowly posted more and more, venturing into the Off Topic section as well as hanging out in the Newcomers section greeting newer members than me, posting more and more. I stayed far away from the Kingdom I had joined, the threads totally intimidating me. Each kingdom has 2 "rulers" and they are the "bosses" of those Kingdoms. Their word is law, they say whether things can be done or not, lay the rules and so on. And in this Kingdom I had joined there was a thread where you could approach the almighty rulers and ask for this or that, complain or bring forward suggestions. That thread scare the crap out of me, and I stayed well away from it, thinking on those with a higher level were allowed there.
And because I had never roleplayed in my life before, all the rest of the threads held no appeal to me either. I did not know how to write a post, and heck reaching 200 characters (to get a point) was like asking me to run a marathon.
So I stuck with the Off Topic, Party, and Newcomers sections and slowly gained more confidence there. (Online confidence mind you)
(More to come)
About 5 years ago I truly discovered the internet. I mean I had been on it before, had even tried a few online dating chatrooms and god I was such a noob there. Didnt know what smilies were :p Out of the few that actually responded to my profiles there, I only met one. And though I was real specific that I wanted to take things slow, as in no sex on the first date, that was exactly what he was after.
So after that I havent really bothered. Kinda figure thats what all want when they go there, I guess.
Anyways, 5 years ago I was very much in love with the movie Lord of the Rings. I mean really in love. I think I saw that movie like 20 times, in the theaters and countless times more on video when it came out.
Bored one night I went on google and did the LOTR search, something I doubt I will ever regret, even if it led to a lot of bad times.
Doing that search led me to the LOTR RPG site: Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza.
Hey I was a fanatic, right? Or at least I considered myself one, seeing as I couldnt get enough of the movie. On one of the old front pages there was a quiz. Where you had to answer like 100 of Bilbo Baggins' questions. I have no idea how I scored, but I was hooked from then on.
Its a roleplaying site, where you write a RPG together with others, in Kingdoms. It also has Lore, book discussions and Movie discussions. At the time of my registration over 12 thousand had already registered and now its like 80+. The forum was unique in a way that every post (in some sections) gave points and these points added up to ranks. Back then there were only 8 ranks and I think they have 15 now. When I joined the site had been going for about 10 months and those already there had already formed several cliques, many which still exist.
Noob that I was, having NEVER been on an online forum, I fill in the username with my real life name. Ya, such a ditz. It cost me 10 whole points to change my name. Something I found horrible, as how would I ever get those back?? But I couldnt use my real name, it looked stupid. So I changed it, despite how much it hurt to part with said points, to a user name I have used almost everywhere else since (no not SilverTears, thats just an homage to the song Into the West). I wont type it as I dont want people doing a search on it and finding this.
However it took 2 weeks for me to change it and during that time I mainly frequented the movies section (duh) only posting rarely. Most of my points then was gotten from taking more quizzes that also gave points.
I remember the first time I had to make my own thread, one to introduce myself in, I almost had a heart attack. Thats how intimidating I found it. (I did say I was an internet noob)
I slowly posted more and more, venturing into the Off Topic section as well as hanging out in the Newcomers section greeting newer members than me, posting more and more. I stayed far away from the Kingdom I had joined, the threads totally intimidating me. Each kingdom has 2 "rulers" and they are the "bosses" of those Kingdoms. Their word is law, they say whether things can be done or not, lay the rules and so on. And in this Kingdom I had joined there was a thread where you could approach the almighty rulers and ask for this or that, complain or bring forward suggestions. That thread scare the crap out of me, and I stayed well away from it, thinking on those with a higher level were allowed there.
And because I had never roleplayed in my life before, all the rest of the threads held no appeal to me either. I did not know how to write a post, and heck reaching 200 characters (to get a point) was like asking me to run a marathon.
So I stuck with the Off Topic, Party, and Newcomers sections and slowly gained more confidence there. (Online confidence mind you)
(More to come)
Whatever..
I hate blogging. I know that is a weird way to start things off on a Blog site, but I do. I hate sharing intimate details about myself to complete strangers who probably couldnt give a rats ass about how I am feeling anyways.
So why am I writing this? Why did I even start a Blog? Well its not that simple to explain really. I guess despite my loathing of blogs, I needed somewhere I could vent when things go less than well, and my friends couldn't be there. And dont ask me why I couldnt just do it in a wordpad or something, I dont know.
I dont expect anyone to read this, to comment or subscribe, its merely done to keep the lid from blowing off when things build up too much and I need to vent to "Someone".
So why am I writing this? Why did I even start a Blog? Well its not that simple to explain really. I guess despite my loathing of blogs, I needed somewhere I could vent when things go less than well, and my friends couldn't be there. And dont ask me why I couldnt just do it in a wordpad or something, I dont know.
I dont expect anyone to read this, to comment or subscribe, its merely done to keep the lid from blowing off when things build up too much and I need to vent to "Someone".
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